4 YEARS. A DIFFERENT LIFETIME IT SEEMS.
I have been going back and forth about writing this. Am I going to write something every year? Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Time will tell. Hopefully years from now, the day will pass without me noticing. Maybe I’ll wake up on Thanksgiving one day and be thankful that the day before didn’t bring its usual reminders.
I have been feeling irritated lately—by everything. I seem to remember this happening last year, too. Like I said, this memory lives in my subconscious most of the time…but I know it still impacts me more than I would care to admit. I know to keep busy around this day, and to give myself some grace. Today I have mixed emotions. I am so fucking proud of how far I’ve come. I guess in a way, I kind of am writing about someone else. I am a different person than I was even a year ago. People often say they have changed or they feel like a new person, and I never believed them. “Yeah, right. People can’t change that much.” I now beg to differ.
I feel as if I am writing about someone else this time. I lived it, but I feel…different. The fine details have left my conscious brain, but seem to seep out of my unconscious from time to time. As hard as I try, I will never forget. It is a part of me, which I am no longer opposed to. Someone asked me recently if it is something I will feel the need to tell people for the rest of my life. I don’t feel the need to tell people about my story in particular, but I do feel the need to let people know that they aren’t alone. They are not to blame. And they will not always feel hopeless. I used to be afraid of what people would think when they found out. Maybe they would see me as weak or damaged. Now I sometimes feel weird telling people how I’ve grown. I don’t ever want someone to feel discouraged by how well someone else is doing. I used to feel like that, too. “Wow, she’s doing so well. I’m jealous of how far she’s come, I’ll never be able to heal like that. I’ll always be stuck like this.” I am here to tell you that those self-limiting thoughts are bullshit. You can be whatever you want to be. It might take some time and you might not always feel great, but you do not have to be defined by things of the past.
As always, please know that there are people around who care, even when you can’t see them. And please know that I am always here to talk or to get your mind off things. One of my favorite pastimes is shootin’ the shit over a cup of coffee. Try it sometime. It might change your life!
