Well, I have been sitting here staring at a blank text box for about an hour. I have no idea where to start, or where to end for that matter. I have had a constant battle in my head for some weeks now about whether or not I should share my story. After reading SO many other similar stories from powerful, courageous women, and knowing how they positively changed the outlook I had on so many things, I’ve decided that my story could help at least one person, too. Someone very special to me told me today, “Being vulnerable saves people, Payton.” So here we are.
One year ago today something happened that will forever change me. Something was taken from me that should be taken from no woman.
I have despised the word “victim” ever since. I used to consider myself a “survivor” but I have grown to hate that word, too. Yes, I survived that night. My life was not in danger that night, though, like some women’s regrettably have been. I SURVIVED the aftermath of that night. The nightmares, the self doubt, the pain, the confusion, the depression, the anxiety, all of that. I call myself a warrior.
I was embarrassed to tell anyone. I still am. How could that happen to me? It shouldn’t have. For the longest time I doubted myself.
“Did that really happen?”
“Did I do anything wrong?”
“Am I over exaggerating?”
“Some women have it way worse”
It wasn’t until two months ago that I heard someone say “rape is rape is rape” that it finally clicked. My story is valid. This did happen to me. And it wasn’t my fault.
I have prayed. I have cried. I have rebuilt my life with the pieces that remained. I am fucking strong (and I’ve also learned that cussing helps).
We all have things that happen to us. They shape us, they mold us, but they do NOT define us.
If you feel sorry for me, don’t. I am not sharing this for pity. I am sharing this to hopefully help someone else who is unfortunately going through what I am going through. As always, if you need someone to talk to, I am here.
With all this being said, and Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I am so incredibly grateful for all the love and support I have received. My family and friends are absolutely amazing. I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for you guys! XO
