"Payton you're just different. You are never going to be normal, and life is never going to be fair for you."
About a year ago my coach, who knew about my mental illnesses, sat there and told me this while all I could think was, "Is she really saying this to me right now?" Imagine hearing this the day after you miss practice due to a debilitating panic attack and had to explain to your coaches and teammates why you just couldn't get out of bed. Were they going to think I was just lazy? Or even worse, what if they thought I was crazy? Ultimately I decided that it was just pure ignorance, but I still think about what she said every single day. She knew my struggles, so how could she say this to me? Some days I think, "What is normal, really? Is anyone truly normal? And what fun is it to be normal?" Other days, I think she is right, in the condescending way that I took what she said.
I will never be normal because I count in 8s. I will never be normal because it takes me 4 tries to get into bed at night. I will never be normal because I have a routine for every shower that I take and if I mess it up, I have to restart. I am different because if I don't type a word right or it doesn't feel right, I have to go back and retype the whole sentence. I am different because I overthink every single thing in my life. I am different because even when my life is going perfectly fine, I am still sometimes depressed. Life isn't fair for me because I have to work harder than most people to have a normal day, and even when it is an ordinary, normal day, my thoughts still are not normal.
A week ago, I went to a new doctor and he said, "I see you are on meds for OCD. That's awesome." Excuse me, what? Did he say awesome? I would definitely not call it that, but thank you, I guess. He saw the look of confusion on my face and continued on saying that the most successful people he knows all have OCD. He explained that most people with OCD have a desire to live a fulfilling life and won't stop until they get there, because obviously, we are obsessed. He told me to use it to my advantage and that it was an amazing thing to have. I have never before heard of someone explaining Obsessive Compulsive Order in this way. This week has been challenging for me because I've tried to block out the negative thoughts about myself and replace them with, "This is a gift." If you have OCD, or even just negative thoughts, you know how hard it is to change the recording playing in your mind over and over and over and over. It is definitely something I have to consciously do because the OCD thoughts are what come naturally. I always wonder if someday, positive thoughts will become natural the way that negative ones have done so easily. I guess all I can do is hope and pray. God gave me this "gift" for a reason. (I put quotations because I haven't fully convinced myself yet that it is a gift.)
So, I am different. I am not "normal." And is life really fair to anyone?
