Mental illnesses are funny. I use the term very loosely. The only word I can think of to describe what I’m feeling is “relapse”. That is a scary word with a big meaning, but it applies in this situation.
Life could be going so well for you, with everything falling into place, and out of no where....it hits you. Granted, this happens to everyone, chemical imbalances or not, but it’s different.
I had the worst year of my life this past year, but now I am at a new school, I have my own apartment with my best friend (my dog), I enjoy my sport more than ever, my parents are always great, my brother is awesome (even though when he isn’t at school or soccer he is absorbed in Fortnite most of the time), I’ve met some amazing people recently, but it’s not enough. My brain needs more for some reason that I’ll never understand.
The transition from summer to school has always been tough. Getting back into a routine after not really having one for so long is hard. I am a spontaneous person so routines are mostly lame and boring, but they are good for people like me. I have to be careful that they don’t become a “ritual” or a compulsion though, which can be extremely challenging.
I was so confident going into this school year that things would be different. I had this idea in my head that I would wake up every morning, bright and cheery, ready to take on the school day. I only have class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays so I thought it’d be a walk in the park. I was wrong and I’m disappointed with myself. Most school days, I wake up dreading the idea of me leaving my apartment. Recently, not only school days have been hard, but every day.
Today my biggest accomplishment was getting out of bed to take Rocko for a walk. And I’ve realized that’s okay. On days like today, he is my lifeline. If I can’t do anything for myself, I at least have to do something for him. Maybe it’s just letting him outside or feeding him, but he needs me and that’s motivation enough.
Usually I would be disappointed with only doing one thing today besides sleeping. Of course, it’s not what I had planned for my day, but today I am proud that I even got out of bed. I didn’t think I could do life today, but I proved to myself that I am capable. It might seem small and mundane, but to me, it is a huge feat. It is unfortunate that I have to keep going through this, and it is extremely frustrating. I will be doing so well, then I come crashing down. But I guess that's life.
Sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
